Life worth living

Capturing the thoughts and moments that make me smile, cry, laugh and sing. Isn't that what makes life worth living?!

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Location: Singapore, Singapore

Saturday, September 10, 2022

Eat Pray Travel

Some of the most loved "coming of age" movies have a common factor. There's a scene in which the group of friends take an impromptu trip and have tons of unexpected fun. Now, although I joke around and have fun, I'm not a "go with the flow" guy. I don't wander around nature and I don't saunter aimlessly around beaches. I just like to know what's the plan when traveling and be clear where I'm going and what I'm doing there.


Recently I took the call to change my job and had a couple of weeks holiday to myself. I was watching an interview where the famous Sadhguru was asked about managing loneliness in today's world. His trademark witty response: "if you feel bored when you're alone, you're clearly in bad company!"šŸ™‚ That sparked something in me. For the first time in my life, I decided to go alone on vacation. Quite unnerving for me by itself. Then I took it one step further and decided to just book the plane tickets - and "go with the flow" on everything else! I had a brief moment of panic when I made that call. But the voice in my head said - this is the only way you'll truly discover yourself. So off I went to Siem Reap, Cambodia.

Have you ever felt free? - truly unencumbered by any responsibility, unbothered about kids nap and meal times, unworried whether something is clean or washed, unhassled whether your wife/husband is getting ready on time and uncaring about missing the bus. THAT's what I experienced for the first time in my life. That freedom gave me 3 lessons for life. Let's begin with Travel:

#Travel: The day I landed, I met a local guide with whom I went on an off-road cycling tour of the local countryside. Lotus ponds, green rice fields, duck farms, little forest dwellings and a pristine sunset. We didn't have a GPS, we didn't look at a map, I didn't meet another soul as I cycled immersed in miles upon miles of nature and fresh air. For someone who always refers to GPS when driving or walking around the city, I learnt that letting go of the map is a good thing. As JRR Tolkien said "Not all those who wander are lost"...

#Pray: Next morning, just before dawn I travelled to witness the most majestic, awe-inspiring and gigantic monument ever built by mankind - the Angkor Wat temple. As the sky blushed pink and the sun cast a magical spell of gold and crimson, the temple stood resplendent in it's grandeur before me. You tend to go quiet and wordless in the presence of it. The scale, magnitude and beauty of it is simply unbelievable. It is 8 square kilometers (yeah that's right - kilometers) of stone worked to perfection by human hands a 1000 years ago. As I explored the vast temple and saw the enormous sweep of history spanning millennia, I felt overwhelmed by the thought that something as colossal as this can vanish from human memory and become a desolate ruin. I learnt that no matter how big our problems are or how important we think we are - it is insignificant in the face of divine will. 

#Eat: As I cycled to other spell-binding temples, we stopped along the way for some fresh dragon fruit, coconuts, bananas and duck eggs for breakfast sitting on the floor of graceful and tidy outdoor huts. I relished the local street food with its cacophony of spices, fragrant herbs and fresh veggies. I love to cook and decided to try my hand at Cambodian cuisine. At the home of a gracious host, we picked fresh veggies, mushrooms and spices from her garden and with her guidance, I cooked a whole meal: Amok Fish, Pineapple Fried Rice, Raw Mango Salad and Sweet Potato Raw Sugar dessert. The simplicity of Cambodian life was refreshing! I've come to learn that food opens up the culture and people to you like nothing else can. And when you're happy inside, rustic modest food is the best succour.

As I sat back on the plane to go home, I felt something shift at my very core. I had turned over and examined many aspects of who I am and what I thought I liked (or disliked). I had lived unfettered moments that will remain with me unwashed by age.

Most importantly, I had discovered that I relish my own company.šŸ™‚ 

Saturday, June 18, 2022

Feeling the big "Four Oh"

Have you been asked: "What keeps you up at night?" My secret answer in my head always is "Nothing!"  (Although I never give that as the answer, but think of something wise to say) šŸ™‚

But as I turn 40, it does give me a few reasons to sit up and night and think. Forty is tricky business. Stealing a line from Top Gun, when you are forty, "your ego is writing checks your body can't cash!"

I think what makes forty unique is that you haven't yet aged in your head and in body, but you've come to relish deep meaningful experiences, developed a taste for good things in life and created a coterie of close people around you.

At about half way through life, one tends to remember the highs with fondness. The first car, house, marriage, child, job, promotion, graduation. Shining examples of growing up! But you should feel lucky if you've also gathered some lessons along the way, bruised your ego a little, broken a few dreams, or struggled at something. Why? Because that's what life is all about, isn't it? It's messy, it's painful and it sucks in equal measure to when it shines and blossoms..

And just the way you own the successes, you gotta own the failures. Missing that dream job or education, losing touch with a friend, bad health - all of these must be realized as casualties of your choices. Quite ironically, it begins with "I". Realizing THAT is  the biggest gift of scaling 40. I've tried to own up and fix some of the mistakes in last few years. I've been successful in some, but realized it's too late for others.

So what are my lessons from my own 40 trips around the Sun? Sharing here for anyone on the same trip as me:

Personal:
  • Value of Exercise: you've got just 1 body to live in. Trust me, put everything aside and exercise. It will transform every other aspect of life.
  • Expand your skills- sports, music, art, cooking. Get something interesting to say when someone asks: "Tell me about yourself.." In this one thing it's never too late to learn.
Professional:
  • Three fundamentals I've learnt: Work with a "can do" attitude. Shine a light on that good work yourself. Make the effort to network meaningfully.
  • Embrace Change: That means "having strong opinions loosely held". Have a point of view that you're willing to bat for. But willingly change it when evidence presents itself .
  • Single most important word: Learn the power of "No". Make no mistake - it doesn't contrast with the first point. It's about prioritizing.
Family:
  • Build a home, not just a house: Create a place your family will miss when they're away! Prioritize the time and attention for it over everything else.
  • Enjoy the rollercoaster: it's like the song: "Nobody gets out alive". Happiness truly is not in the destination, but in the pursuit and journey.
Society:
  • Be discerning : understand the motivations that drive people. Remember JRR Tolkien's wisdom: "All that is gold does not glitter". Look for genuine people and causes.
  • Pay it forward: realize that you are in an extremely rare situation of being able to meet your ends and have some left over. Help others and leave this place better than you found it.

All this is that rare epiphany that kept me up at night. Onward to the next journey! 

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Great Indian Voyage

I take up writing once again today. Itā€™s a refreshingly liberating experience. I feel as if I (as in the ā€œIā€ inside of me) am breathing again. I realize that just as theater is my passion, writing is equally so. Its been a year to the exact date now that I wrote my last blog. A yearā€¦. When I say it like that it sounds both short and contradictorily so, so long. Short because in the larger scheme of things, lives and generations, itā€™s just a year. And long because of the indescribably enormous amount of events, changes and emotions that have happened in that same one year.

I shall write about all these in some other blogs. This one though, I dedicate to my last two weeks. I dedicate it to my travels over the back of this country ā€“ living out of a bag and journeying across a vast section of this country, by road, rail and air.

To cut a long introduction to this story short, I had a 2 week break from my school, ISB, and decided to travel back home to Mumbai. I and my good friend Sumit left Hyderabad in the soft darkness of the pre-dawn on Feb 6th to take a flight back home ā€“ he to his home in Hisar, Haryana and I to Mumbai. To give you a rough idea of how this travel pans out, Iā€™m sticking here a picture of India with the places in this journey:



From Hyderabad to Mumbai ā€“ Mumbai to Bangalore ā€“ Bangalore to New Delhi ā€“ New Delhi to Hisar and Hisar to Hyderabad, my travels took me from the wide plains of the Deccan to the firecracker pace of Mumbai (the original Megapolis of India) to the rustic and idyllic fields of Haryana (a state in picturesque North of India). Along the way was a taste of Maā€™s handmade delicacies in Mumbai, the aura of Bangaloreā€™s five star hotels, the ardor of Valentineā€™s Day, the rich wafting smells, spices and sweetness of Delhiā€™s century old restaurants in Chandni Chowk and the vigor and robust lifestyle of Haryana! It was indeed a like living a film story in 2 weeks!

Mumbai

Mumbaiā€™s my home. Anyone coming to Mumbai ā€“ however protected he or she tries to be ā€“ will quickly catch one infection for sure ā€“ the High Speed Lifestyle Infection. ļŠ Despite everything, I still picture this place as home. This time around the added spice was that my entire family was charged up with wedding frenzy. The day I landed, they took me out shopping. In the last one year at ISB, I havenā€™t found time to scratch, so, shopping was a distant dream. So now, my parents had me in Mumbai: work-free and all ready to be decked up in rich clothes and sent to and fro to the trial rooms of a million shops in Mumbai.

If you havenā€™t yet partaken in a shopping of the Big Fat Indian Wedding let me tell you, youā€™ve missed the biggest man-made wonder of this world. Please do indulge yourself in one such wedding because I believe they do ask you at the pearly gates if youā€™ve lived a full life and you canā€™t live a full life without being the subject of a crazy shopping expedition. I shopped as if I donā€™t own anything! From shoes and socks to glasses and cap ā€“ everything I currently own was quickly dismissed as being ā€œnon-marriageā€ stuff :). I soon realized that to qualify as ā€œwedding materialā€ your apparel has to satisfy certain stringent criteria: A. It should cost at least Rs. 5000 and B. It should be something to which your mom can say ā€œO ji ye toh maine kahin nahi dekha!ā€ :) (ā€œWoah! I havenā€™t seen this on anyone yetā€!)

So with boatloads of shopping and some very amazing Maharashtrian culinary experience my stay in Mumbai drew to a close. It always makes me sadder than I can profess to see that look on my mumā€™s face ā€“ to know that I wonā€™t meet her till April again. Ah! Travesty of lifeā€¦

The Great Indian Voyage Contd. (1)

Bangalore ā€¦ oops! ā€œBengaluruā€

From Mumbai, I set my rudder for Bangalore. For, there lives my life, my sweetheart ā€“ Shamu. It was 4 days of utter bliss in the lush environs of the IIMB campus.
Somehow, people tell me that certain sounds or smells take them back to a particular place or time. Like for example, for me, the song ā€œWhen Johnny goes marching home againā€ takes me back to the December of 2004 in Raleigh, North Carolina. The instant ā€“ and I literally mean ā€“ the instant I hear that song, my mind snaps back to my roomies and me listening to this song walking up to the Raleigh railway station catching a train to DC.

For me, the reverse too holds true though. That is, over the last 4 years, certain places or locations have been linked in my brain to the sweet moments Iā€™ve spent with Shamu. May be because there are just so few times we get to spend together that my brain sort of grabs on to those moments. Like for example, the ā€œE Square Mallā€ in Pune takes me back to my first date with Shamu ā€“ the silly photo we took at the computer booth and my first movie with her. Similarly, the IIMB campus is intricately linked for me to the awesome time spent with Shamu. Our walks in the campus, cheering her in her throwball match, those awesome dinners together, fighting over the last piece of Dominoā€™s Cheeseburst pizzaā€¦ :) it just brings a smile to meā€¦ unconsciously, unknowlingly.

Now, this place has an infectious vibrancy that only youth can produce. I admit I havenā€™t been able to make close friends with her gang of friends out there, but I was enthralled nevertheless by how energetic these bunch of people are.

This time around though, my time here was spent talking endlessly about the wedding, our jobs, the honeymoon, and since we both are B-school grads, about the current sucky situation of the economy as well. It was so refreshing to speak my heart outā€¦ be myself, not worry about how anyone is judging me, how I have to impress someone with my talk. Even when we had some fights (it is inevitable guys, itā€™s the Zeroth Law of Relationship ā€“ I shall expound on the Laws of Relationships in my upcoming blogs) this time around, it was so mature, so calm, so real and with great understanding.

And well, then it was our first Valentineā€™s day togetherā€¦ :)

It always surprises our friends when I tell them that Shamu and I have been in a relationship for 4 years now and yet, weā€™ve never had a Valentineā€™s day together. I was always in the US on Feb 14th and she was in India. This is long distance relationship for you. On some level, I think staying apart from your girlfriend and still loving her truly brings out your love. I know Barney Stinson (from the How I Met Your Mother) would scoff at it, nay, he would for sure say: ā€œTrue Love! Isnā€™t it that extinct thing from 1850ā€™s?ā€ :)) But yes, when you are meeting your girlfriend every day, you are infatuated about looks, romantic gestures, silly couply things. Not to say that these are unimportant, but long distance relationship makes you spell out to your own self why you love a girl.

So, coming back to our Valentineā€™s day. Iā€™d picked a theme of flowers, all day through, when she least expected, I brought her bouquets of flowersā€¦.. it was too sweet to watch her smile that day. Dinner at Le Meridien just made it a perfect evening. But the sweetest moment of the day for me was when Shamu gifted me a photo book she made herself of all our pictures and stories. The best gift I ever got!

Now, I donā€™t deal in clichĆ©s often, but, all good things do come to an end. With a heavy heart and longing eyes, I packed my bags. ā€œNext Stop New Delhi!ā€

The Great Indian Voyage Contd. (2)

New Delhiā€¦.. I prefer just ā€œDelhiā€ thoughā€¦ Iā€™ve yet to see a city older than Delhi

This particular leg of my journey was a very impromptu decision. My good friend Sumit was going to get engaged, and I said to him ā€œHey, itā€™ll be so cool if I can be there in Hisar, Iā€™ve never seen the North of India!ā€ And from that point on, he insisted that I must make it. So, Hisar, here I come!

In a journey, yes, yes, the destination is important, the travel mates are important even the food may be important!... but folks, the medium of travel is THE most important. It seemed like back then, when I planned to go to Delhi, the whole airline industry was against me! I mean what are the odds of the ENTIRE Indian Airline Industry raising their ticket prices from Re.1 to Rs. 2500 for just a span of 5 days EXACTLY when I wish to make a reservation!!!

So there I was, forced to buy a railway ticket for a 36 hour long journey from Bangalore to Delhi via the Rajdhani Express. After a nail biting finish, I finally succeeded in getting a confirmed seat on the train (I had been on waiting list for 7 days prior) and with a weird twist, I reached the station two hours early. Now, as usual, like the rest of the throng of humanity, I headed to the cafĆ©. These guys turned out to be licensed crooks! After charging Rs. 50 for a Cheese Club Sandwich, these guys gave me 3 thin half triangular slices of butter-less bread each holding on to an even thinner slice of cheese with nothing in between them!! After much curses in my native tongue I boarded the train. The railways turned out to be exactly opposite. They were so insistent that I feed myself, that every 4 hours they loaded me with everything theyā€™d got!

8 am: Breakfast ā€“ Nice Indian breakfast with Tea
12 pm: Lunch ā€“ Full Indian Meal with Rice and Bread and Soup!
4 pm: Tea ā€“ Good pot of tea with crackers
8pm: Dinner ā€“ Indian Dinner with soup, salads, yogurt and all Indian dishes and Ice-cream!

By 9pm, I was wondering, how the hell the Indian Railways are able to provide such an awesome lay of food in an AC coach with 1/3rd the ticket fare of an airline. I was also wondering how the hell am I going to digest all of this, for I hadnā€™t crapped in all this while!

Iā€™ve taken many train journeys in India and even one in the US. But, being alone in a long train journey was a new experience. I think in that sense, I prefer the second class because you bump into so many people that a indescribable bond forms within that mosaic of humanity and you end up sharing everything from your birth date to your dreams in life. In an AC coach though, it was all about silence, and manners, and personal space and silenceā€¦. And, and silence!.. oh I already said ā€˜silenceā€™ .. sorry.. So this journey stretched on for longer than I had come prepared for. I had come prepared with two novels, a few films on my laptop. But I had quickly run through most of this when the train chugged into Bhopal ā€“ still a whole nightā€™s journey to go. I resorted to that one pastime of man which can go on indefinitely - sleep. Around 7 am though, when the train chugged into the Hazrat Nizamuddin Station, I stepped out into a cold draft of wind. Delhi was cold! And there I was with just a T shirt on my back (well, in my defense, the South and Mumbai ā€“ from where I came ā€“ are hot places!).

So I spent the first few hours in Delhi sipping piping hot chai at a tea stall till my friend picked me up in his car. I had forgotten my toothbrush and toothpaste. So, our first stop was at a mall. Now, at 10 am, the malls in Delhi are not exactly open. We still managed to find the pair and I went into the menā€™s room. You should have seen the scandalized looks on the faces of the early morning mall visitors when they saw me open the new toothbrush, paste and start brushing. They mustā€™ve thought I live at the mall! :)

We next headed out to see the ā€œMughal Gardensā€ in the environs of the ā€œRashtrapati Bhavanā€ the official residence of the President of India ā€“ the highest seat of power in the land. This garden is very famous as being one of the most beautifully done gardens by the British surrounding the palace of the then Viceroy of India. Its open to public only for one month in a year.

This was a very memorable experience for me. I am total history buff so anything that brings me in close contact with historical significance enthralls me. And here I was, standing 50 feet from the house of the President of India, in her gardens smelling the roses and the dahlias and taking in the beauty and majesty of the British Raj in its glory. I could almost sense the aura of the Gora Sahib ā€“ the British imperial throne which ruled the entire Indian subcontinent from this majestic palace. The Viceroys, Presidents, Prime Ministers who govern the destinies of billions have walked along this gardenā€¦. Hmm.. it was truly a satisfying experience.

With this dip in the pool of history, it was now time to satisfy the hungry stomach. I had already decided that I didnā€™t want to go to any branded restaurant, but instead check out the very local, hole-in-the-wall famous joints in Old Delhi. So we began with Nirulaā€™s ice-cream (yeah, well its not exactly a hole-in-the-wall, but itā€™s the best frickinā€™ ice-cream in town!). It was odd to go for double scoop sundae at 11 in the morning, but hey, we were on vacation. Then via Metro to Chandni Chowk. This place has been a rich, dazzling, overflowing bazaar of sweets, food, jewels, cloth, lights and silks since as long as Indians can remember. Take a look at the picture below to understand the density, hum and whirlpool of activity that I am talking about.

Chandni Chowk ā€“ cloth merchants


The open bazaar at Chandni Chowk


ā€œParantheWali Galliā€ at Chandni Chowk

Itā€™s a seething mass of people, products, services, businesses, eateries and vehicles like youā€™ve never seen. But the longer you linger around there and soak in the environment, you begin to make out a pattern ā€“ an order to the ensuing chaos. You see the cloth dealers who know their target customer segment and pitch their wares accordingly. You see the eateries which have lost contact with hygiene in the mid-20th century! ā€“ but now use that same attribute as a Unique Selling Proposition and a branding strategy to attract thousands of customers every day. (I think only in India can you see how uncleanliness becomes a selling proposition!) You see the sweetshops who have been making these delicious masterpieces of Indian sweets since the 1880ā€™s without missing a step even once. Success stories and scandals, shimmering jewels and bangles, wafting scents and spices it is all seen here in Chandni Chowk.

Sumit took me to this small (almost miniscule) by-lane called ā€œParawnthe Wali Galliā€ to eat some piping hot paranthas. It was a tiny lane, extending into a maze of such by-lanes some 6 feet wide, dotted with hundred of shops. The moment I walked into it, I was flabbergasted by an amazing battery of smells and sights ā€“ of spices and jewel shops. The place we ate at had pictures of former Prime Ministers and Chief Ministers coming here to eat put up on its wall. The chef was making boiling hot paranthas served with sauces, curry and chillies. It was a mouth watering (and eye watering :)) treat! A delightful preparation indeed.


The paranthas being made outside the shop


Sumit outside the ā€œParawthe Walaā€ our very own hole in Delhiā€™s wall :)


At the corner of the mouth of this by-lane stands a 120 year old ā€œChaatā€ shop. The Dahi Bhallaas at this place were amazingly good! We followed this up with a trip to Palika Bazaar ā€“ Delhiā€™s ā€œundergroundā€ market ā€“ both literally physically and metaphorically (as in it deals in boot legged stuff). We got some seriously good deals on some electronic items.

Our last stop that evening in Delhi was the ā€œDelhi Haatā€ ā€“ a fair of merchants from all the different states of India showcasing the legendary Indian art, culture, food and handmade artifacts for sale. It was a curiously archaic atmosphere at the outskirts of modern Delhi. With a crisp evening breeze beginning to blow, I browsed and purchased some authentic handmade items for my close friends. We ended the evening with some nice food from Sikkim (a Northeastern state of India) called ā€œmomosā€, fruitbeer and some south Indian filter coffee.

I remember feeling very well fed, tired, contented and sleepy while riding the cab out of Delhi that evening. We were heading out to Hisar, Haryana ā€“ Sumitā€™s hometown.

The Great Indian Voyage Contd. (3)

Hisar, Haryana ā€“ the land of plenty and home of the Jats

Imagine a land where wholesomeness overflows in every morsel of food, every breath of air and every heartā€¦.. a cornucopia of rich culture, harvests, weather, beasts and men. That is the northern land of Punjab and Haryana for you

My first memory of Haryana was seeing a sign at the back of a truck that said: ā€œNo but, only Jatā€ :) In my travels here, I realized that indeed, just like this rustic sense of humor, these people too are very simple. Jats are a warrior caste of the north who have been eternally famous of their vigorous strength, robust courage, keen sense of warfare and a warm and open heart. Sumit ā€“ my friend ā€“ embodies many of these attributes.

We reached Hisar around midnight and just crashed into bed. I was so sleepy that the harsh cold, the new house nothing registered. When I woke the next morning and put my foot on the floor and jumped up with shock did I realize that this place was so cold! It was still winter out here and I was still ill prepared. Meeting Sumitā€™s family was a pleasure. His mom and dad, his aunts and cousins and his grand-mom - theyā€™re a joint family of businessmen.

Now what Iā€™m about to describe to you may amaze (or rather gross) you out. But trust me it was totally fun. The morning began with a very typical Punjabi breakfast ā€“ three delicious, large and heavy paranthas with homemade awesome butter and yogurt. I was in a happy place by the time Iā€™d finished breakfast. The off we went ā€“ Sumit and I ā€“ to take in the sights of Hisar. The ā€œsightsā€ here turned out to be all food places. According to Sumit, Hisar is a place people come to have awesome food. So we began our ā€œfoodathonā€ with ā€œNimbu-Jeera with sodaā€ followed by ā€œMaalpuri with Rabdiā€ given company by ā€œKhasta Kachoriā€ chased down by some very refreshing ā€œGol-gappeā€ and topped by a juicy fruit called ā€œRasbhariā€ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ And then it was time for lunch!
The moment we got a call from home saying ā€œkhana lag gaya jiā€ we drove back home. The table was creaking under mounds of dishes and the house smelled like what Hogwarts dining hall would at the welcome feast! There was fresh hot rotis just off the stove and rajma and mutter ki daal and kachundar ka raita and bhindi ki sabzi and green salad and gajar ka halwa! Oh boy, I have never consumed so much food in so short a time span! I was so, so full of warm food inside me that I could neither sit nor sleep. I asked Sumit if we could just go on a food-free walk around the town! ļŠ So we went strolling and driving around Hisar seeing the town, its universities and sights. In the evening, Sumitā€™s mum had made my personal favorite of all Punjabi dishes ā€“ Makke di roti aur Sarson da saag along with Maalpuri and rabdi followed by a juicy Calcutta Masala Paan that we picked up at the townā€™s panwari. Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I had eaten more than a mid size dinosaur in a day and I was all ready to sleep it over!

We left Hisar early next morning for Delhi to catch a flight back to Hyderabad. It was sad to leave the place. Just in a day, I had felt warm and cared for. It was my own magical land of endless nourishing food and happy memories.

And so, I reached back at ISB. Late night all tired from the journey back to my room in Student Village 3. This had been the longest and most variegated journey I had been on in India. From home to b-school campus to open country, I had seen it all and enjoyed it. From cramped autorickshaws to crazy taxi-drivers to cramped airplanes, I had travelled it all. From home made Maharashtrian food to Le Meridien to homemade Punjabi food, I had eaten it all.

It shall remain my Great Indian Voyage for times to come.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

So, Bye-Bye.... Miss American Pie...

The rushing sound of an era coming to an end in your life is an incomparable acoustic. What makes the difference, however, is whether the vision of that enormous upheaval makes you smile and ride the surf with excitement, or whether it makes you look back over your shoulder at the shore that you can no longer hold on to.

That day in my life is here. Like a magnet drawn to its other half, Iā€™m going back home. After almost 4 years in the United States of America, Iā€™m fulfilling my tryst with destiny.

I came here in 2004 with the quintessential ā€œAmerican Dreamā€. And I can say today, that one thing is sure of this country ā€“ if you have the merit (and simply the merit ā€“ nothing else) you can achieve the triumvirate of ā€œlife, liberty and pursuit of happinessā€. Through the passages of time, this one fact about America has remained unchanged.

I came as a student here ā€“ fresh out of my under-grad school ā€“ with just a few dollars in travelerā€™s checks. The first blast of the American education system was a harsh one to bear. It was an education system taken to a whole another and advanced level by this country. Being used to the old and bumpy jalopy ride of the Indian under-grad system, the American one seemed so awesomely spell-binding. Progressing from that to graduation was a journey I shall never forget in my life. Bagging a job offer upon graduation can easily be listed as one of the most satisfying feelings a person feels. Itā€™s something like an iron-clad confirmation from the open world that your 20 years of efforts for higher and better education were indeed justified and worthwhile.

When I began my work life here in the USA, I was exposed for the first time to two things ā€“ one, the corporate world and second, the upper-middle income independent lifestyle. Iā€™ve dabbled in many aspects of either and the experience has been a deeply educative one.

So today, when I take that leap homewards, Iā€™ve been asked this question so many times that I now myself wonder ā€“ ā€œWhat shall I miss from this land of the free and home of the braveā€?

I guess, the first thing I shall miss is the notion of ā€œabundant physical personal spaceā€. I reiterate that I am not speaking of the abstract notion of ā€œpersonal spaceā€ ā€“ but the real physical notion of a ā€œpersonal space bubbleā€. Especially in the working life, this bubble is huge in America and itā€™s a concept that is ā€“ gladly ā€“ not followed that much in India.

Iā€™ll miss the concept of ā€œwell organized traffic on broad smooth roadsā€. None of the adjectives placed in the quotes in the preceding sentence apply to either Indian cars or roads! J Itā€™s a developed-country-luxury that I shall miss.

Iā€™ll miss the lightening speed internet. To anybody who has not used internet in the US, you donā€™t really know how fast an internet Iā€™m talking about. When pages open almost exactly when you click on something and movies download in the time it takes to have a bathā€¦. Aah! Alas, whatā€™s the point ā€¦ Iā€™ve to let go of it. J

Iā€™ll miss the winters here. I thought I shall never say this, but yes, itā€™s something you begin to like after you experience your first sub-zero mercury drop. Thereā€™s something oddly attractive in stepping out of the door into a cool frosty morning and walking into a coffee shop for a cuppa.

Iā€™ll miss the opportunity to try authentic cuisines from absolutely all over the world, made by cooks from those very countries. Thatā€™s one specialty of this country. Having no ethnic population of its own, this country has created its ethnicity from a collage of multi-national populace. And Iā€™ve thoroughly experimented and enjoyed the variation of cuisines in the US.

Iā€™ll miss my two homes ā€“ 2303 Champion Court where I did my grad-school and my Reston abode ā€“ one for its emotional comforts and the other for its material counterparts.

Iā€™ll miss ā€œgooglingā€ my complete everyday needs and finding answers to absolutely anything I need in my daily activities on the internet. From finding the lyrics of a song I want to download to doing restaurant seat reservations to finding out where Iā€™ll get a particular brand of chocolate to booking my airline seats ā€“ everything can and is done online. Itā€™s the true life support system of this country.

However, the people make the place for me. And it is here that my pull towards India lies.

Iā€™ll not miss the mundane ā€œHiā€™sā€ and ā€œHelloā€™sā€ that people hand out here ā€“ Iā€™d much rather have the bear hugs of friends and loving attentions of my mamma in India.

Iā€™ll not miss the dead silence and empty dreary streets of the US ā€“ Iā€™d rather have the bustle of India and the tens of people on the streets where you stand a chance of bumping into an old friend ā€“ something that has no chance of happening here.

Iā€™ll not miss the lonely walks to the coffee house ā€“ Iā€™d rather have the very inexpensive and profoundly simple joy of sitting with your family for an evening cup of tea and share my life with them.

Iā€™ll not miss the horrible feeling of keeping in touch with your family and fiancĆ©e only over the pithy and appalling Reliance India calling card ā€“ Iā€™d rather see them and live with them.

Iā€™ll not miss the apathy of the people I interact with towards doing anything in a group - Iā€™d rather have the enthusiasm I share with my gang of old school and neighborhood friends. Itā€™s a lot better than seeing all your friends staring at the computer in an inert schedule.

Iā€™ll not miss the empty feeling at the end of the day, like being stranded on an island where your presence or absence makes no real difference to anybody. Iā€™d rather have the presence of people in my life who care if I come home late or who bring that sense of an anchor in my life ā€“ people who ground me and remind me of being part of a tree and not just some driftwood.

I move on now, to my home land ā€“ a country where the quality of life is defined by its cohesive spirit ā€“ a country that holds my roots.

Itā€™s a difficult step to take, for change is always difficult. Itā€™s the first law of human inertia. J But, be as it may, I remember the line from Robert Frostā€™s ā€œThe Road not takenā€ ā€“

ā€œTwo roads diverged in a wood, and Iā€”

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.ā€

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Trials and Tribulations

This is a story that I really donā€™t know how to begin. Not because I donā€™t know how to tell it, but because I donā€™t know what would be a good place to bring you into it. It is the story of the past one year of my life. A story that completely justifies the title above.

The very day I set off from India for studying in the USA, I had made one decision - that I will come back. I have lived here now for 4 years and never once till now have I felt my resolve shake. Not because I found this country bad, but because I had found my own country to be very good. And this year, I had decided to go back. What spurred this decision? Iā€™d say it was a combination of factors, but more than anything else, I realized that I simply had to draw the line somewhere. There was never going to be an auspicious time for it unless I decided to just do it.

I needed security in my career before moving to India, and I needed that in the form of a solid job or fulfill my ambition of admission into a leading business school in India. And thus began my lone and exhausting journey.

Around mid-July I took a date for my GMAT. With just one month to prepare, I knew I was pushing it, but I couldnā€™t help it. I wanted to apply to Indian School of Business (ISB) and their deadline was in August. Once again, I was back to studying. After an 8 am to 4 pm office work, I rushed back home every day to study for the GMAT. It needed a lot of patience and a different kind of understanding. Having done a very technological study and work for 7 years, the study for GMAT took some time before I gathered some traction. My verbal skills were falling short. Critical Reasoning and Sentence Correction were totally not up to the mark. And I knew that I could not afford to take second chances. Through some conscious out-of-the-box thinking and many 4 hour long practice tests, I improved, until my final GMAT where I scored 760 on 800.

The first step was a solid and good one.

Then began two phases simultaneously. My application to ISB had a deadline of mid-August. But also, I had to be mature enough to understand that I must do everything I can to apply for jobs in India too, just in caseā€¦.

The one good thing about ISBā€™s application was that it was completely online. But this application was similar to those for the best business schools in the world. Along with the usual academic and professional record information, this application contained three essays and two recommendations from my managers in my office. I sincerely thank my manager that he understood me and agreed to write me a recommendation. But the most arduous part of the application was the three essays.

Because there were fewer essays, and my work experience was only just two years, I knew that these essays were the only remaining points of distinction between me and other applicants. And the most crucial essay was: ā€œMillion dollars or the knighthood: what will you choose and why?ā€ This essay topic was so extra-ordinary and so multi-dimensional that I knew right away that this was the fulcrum of my application.

Iā€™ve lost count of how many iterations I made of these essays. My friends Samir and Upen and my jiju Nilesh were the only ones who helped me in this most crucial juncture. As I worked on that essay I described above, I realized just how deep the meaning of the topic ran. Each word in that title had been very carefully chosen. And my answer too was going to be scrutinized and weighed equally carefully. Each day I changed my answer a little and polished it a little till my answers satisfied my eye. I felt so distant from those people around me who used their weekends for fun and joy while I worked on my application.

But this was not the whole picture. I was using every evening I had on every weekday to apply to jobs in India. I realized with some amount of rude shock that despite my Masterā€™s education and a good two year work experience, the openings I had in India were both slim and low paying. I was fully prepared for a drastically low salary as compared to my present one in the US, but what I did not know was that I would get paid exactly what a person with a Bachelorā€™s degree and one year work experience gets paid in a software company in India. I applied and I appliedā€¦ painstakingly, on website after websiteā€¦ through friends, contacts, relatives, job agents and acquaintances. But although everyone told me that I would get an interview call, not one materialized. I do not wish at all to say that these people werenā€™t helpful. They all agreeing to help me in itself was a very great thing for me. But for three whole months of August, September and October, I kept applying to these jobs relentlessly. Touching base with contacts, emailing the job agents, calling career agencies, searching for open positions ā€“ I tried all paths. But as each day went by, my hope dwindled down.

I donā€™t know if any of you have truly felt helpless in life. But as November approached, my confidence was really shaken and desperation mingled with gloom settled into my mind. I had nobody around me here whom I felt comfortable confiding this in. But I knew that I could not return back home jobless and with a full question mark about my career prospects. When at such times oneā€™s hope and optimism begins to fail, one looks to have someone who can talk to you and really and truly understand and feel you.

Then came the hope I was searching for. ISB got back to me that they wished to interview me. I had a month to prepare myself. Once again, it was a struggle I fought alone. Through endless searches and many documents, I created a long list of probable interview questions. Online discussion forums, talks with my jiju about interview questions, sitting hours at end every single day and every weekend till my head began aching with thoughts and staring at the computer screen ā€“ this was one tiring month for me. Simultaneously, I was finally interviewing with one company in India for a job and the preparation for that was totally different because it was all case-study oriented. I was working four days a week on my job interviews and the other three days preparing for my ISB interview.

Post-interview, it was a long and seemingly never ending wait. How the interview went is yet another tale, but it had not given me any clear signs. For 24 days I waited. Each day I woke up with a queasy feeling. My job interview hadnā€™t gone well in the third round. It was all down to the ISB result.

The wait really did seem eternal. As the days went by, I lost interest in most things. The pressure was getting to me. I remember walking out of my company holiday party because I couldnā€™t feel happy. I remember waking up abruptly at 3 in the morning night after night with a bad dream. I remember those nights when I lay in my bed awake yet not feeling anything. Oh I rememberā€¦

I so wanted to talk to someone. Speak my heart, tell my fears and hear words that would bring me courage. But there I lay. Pushing myself every day to live my life and do my job. 24 days and 24 nights I waited thus ā€“ alone and apprehensive.

And then I got the news that I had passed and had been offered admission into ISB. There are very few moments in a personā€™s life that are truly ā€œmake or breakā€, and this was mine. For the first time, I realized the meaning of the expression ā€œtears of joyā€. The pride and satisfaction I felt telling the result to my ma and baba is indescribable.

I was going to go backā€¦ā€¦.Go back home. :)

Shadowfax

I read it once somewhere in some forwarded email:

ā€œTo know the meaning of miracle, ask someone whoā€™s been saved by a hairā€™s breadthā€

Having never had the chance to measure a hairā€™s breadth in that sense, I only could understand that sentence at a theoretical level. A Monday in November this year changed all that.

I drive a Toyota Camry all white model which I completely love. Itā€™s the first car I ever owned myself and I call it my ā€œShadowfaxā€(a reference from the book Lord of the Rings where the king of horses is named Shadowfax). J I know it sounds crazy, but I really do believe that ā€œitā€™s the car that chooses the driverā€, and Iā€™ve shared an amazing chemistry with mine. Itā€™s like since the time Iā€™ve owned it, Iā€™ve gradually developed a bond with it so that it now responds to my slightest touch and I know its sounds and senses. So when I moved some 10 miles away from my office, I picked out a small, narrow inner country road that takes me from my house in Reston to my office in McLean, Virginia in exactly 25 minutes regardless of the hour of the day. Shadowfax took to this road like a fish to water. Iā€™m sure that I would not be able to drive on that road as comfortably on anybody elseā€™s car.

The reason I say this is because this road is easily one of the challenging ones Iā€™ve driven on in my life. I decided to take this road only because the main highway is blocked badly in the morning rush hour. Itā€™s a road that passes through forests so dense that the cell phone network goes away although it is just a few miles from the nearest town. It has a couple of streams along the way where deer, ducks and swans can be seen everyday. Tracts of farm land touch this road where a couple of houses breed horses. And all throughout, the road has so many sharp twists, turns and steep slopes that if I go at 10 miles over the speed limit, it makes u feel like you are sitting in a rollercoaster at a theme park. This road is in short everything that a ā€œmorning commuteā€ is not. And I was very happy to have found a road that leaves me feeling fresh and alert as I reach the office rather than sitting in bumper to bumper crawling traffic snake-lines inhaling emission fumes.

And I can tell you that Shadowfax was extremely adept at navigating those sharp turns and slopes. Even with the speed limit being 25 miles an hour, Iā€™ve driven on those slopes and turns at around 45 mph and times even at 50 miles an hour. And never once did I feel the car showing a lack of confidence in itself.

That Monday morning too, I was driving down that same road. I was quite late for my office and was trying to make up by driving a few miles above speed limit. I was listening to my favorite CD and wasnā€™t going too fast at all. When something totally unexpected happens, in retrospect, sometimes people do feel that they had some kind of an extrasensory perception or a premonition before the event which they ignored at that time. I admit now, that I did have something of that sort, but I attributed it to my being late for work or something.

At one spot on this drive, the road turns very sharply (about 90 degrees) to the left and also slopes downward with about a 45 degree gradient at the same time. The road was wet that morning with last nightā€™s rain and the morningā€™s heavy dew. As I completed half the turn, I felt Shadowfax shaking. The next moment, he slipped ā€“ all four tires losing traction. The steering wheel twisted out of control and I saw myself being dragged into oncoming traffic head-on. There was no lane divider in the way and the car was careening out of control to the left.

Let me tell you that at such times, there are two things that happen. First, oddly enough, your mind goes blank ā€“ not blank as in thoughtless, but blank as in thereā€™s no sense of any tension, no chain of thought or any of it. It comes down to its very primary and core level ā€“ the survival instinct. Secondly, something queer goes on between your mind and body and you get an odd sense that things are going at a slow pace. Itā€™s like you are watching things happen in a slow motion film replay to see what went wrong! May be itā€™s the excess adrenaline in our system at such times that makes our brain extra fast, but I remember now that I could see things and process them as they happened.

The car was being drawn to the left ā€“ I could see some sort of a space to my right ā€“ the car turned left down that slope with amazing speed ā€“ I rammed the wheel to the right without any particular plan but just to get the car in that space I could see ā€“ that space turned out to be the driveway of a house ā€“ the driveway was made with gravel ā€“ the car further lost traction in that ā€“ something in the gravel burst my left front tire ā€“ the car further lost balance as the wheel hit the groundā€“ it hit a upward slope in mud ā€“ it crashed through the fence and I saw a tree in the front ā€“ the car hit the tree full head-on and the tree cracked and fell ā€“ I put my left hand against my face as the windshield cracked and a loud THUMP! And crunch of metal against wood as the hood caved in and the juggernaut of my car stopped abruptlyā€¦

I remember shaking ā€“ shaking a lot ā€“ as I got out of the car. The door seemed broken by impact and I had to shove it really hard to open it. As I got out, I could hear a hissing noise and looked back to see my rear left tire fast loosing air. The front had fully caved in and the metal was sticking out at a weird angle. I held on to the car for a couple of minutes to stop myself shaking.

And then just as suddenly as the mind had gone blank, surrounding sounds and thoughts rushed in as if someone had opened a plug somewhere. I saw the owners of that house ā€“ an old man and his wife rushing out to see what had happened. I realized I was safe and unhurt. I also realized that I had just either lost Shadowfax or incurred a huge expense. I remembered I had a meeting at work which I was not going to be able to make it to. I had to call 911 to get the police here. Will the insurance cover this, how will I reach work, will the owners make a police case, I take out the phone in my pocket and dial 911, just then the old man asking me ā€“

ā€œAre you hurt?ā€

ā€œNo I donā€™t think I am, just shakingā€¦ but I think my carā€™s a gonerā€¦ā€

ā€œDonā€™t worry son, as long as you are safeā€¦ā€

ā€œ911 emergency responseā€¦ can you tell me your name and emergency Sir?ā€

ā€œYes, I just had an accident in my car ā€“ I hit a treeā€¦ā€

ā€œAre you alright Sir? Is anybody hurt?ā€

ā€œNo nobodyā€™s hurt.ā€

ā€œThe police are a few minutes away Sir, please wait there.ā€

And then suddenly things were sort of happening in fast forward. Before even my shaking had subsided, I heard police sirens and Fire and Rescue truck horns in the distance. Two police cars stopped along with the ambulance and fire and rescue truck. The officer walked up to me and again asked if I was hurt or needed medical attention, the fire and rescue was inspecting the vehicle and had declared that it was not fit to be driven to the garage. One police was taking down my details and license while the other was calling the tow truck company. Before long, the fire truck departed and the policemen left too. The tow truck had come and was hauling the car on to it.

The whole incident from the moment my car skid to the moment I saw its battered form hauled away had taken probably not more than an hour and the actual accident not more than 20 seconds. But it was one of those events that you remember not for their length but for their depth. It was my closest brush with something that had all the markings of going horribly wrong. What was remarkable was that of all the things that could have gone wrong, none actually did. On coming cars, people on the street, garden walls, other cars in front and backā€¦ even the slightest change in any of those parameters could have scripted a totally different story. It was certainly an event that makes you wonder the intercession of a divine force on your behalf.

As I stood there in the cold watching my car being hauled away and waiting for my office colleague to pick me up, I chatted with the old man about the accident and I told him how close a call I had today. One thing he said to me then with an ancient smile on his face has stayed with me still. He said ā€œDonā€™t worry son, when you live long enough, you see these things happen.ā€

Was this a miracle? Well, ā€œCā€™est la vieā€.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Holocaust ā€“ The Nadir of Humankind

ā€œFor the dead and the living ā€“ we must bear witnessā€

Yesterday, I aged by many years in a few hours. I had heard of love and hate, of compassion and brutality, of God and the Devil. But, the reality of it all hit me when I stepped into the Holocaust Museum in Washington, DC. I knew then and there, that both heaven and hell are right here on earth and it all depends on what we humans want to make a place into.

The first line above adorns the entrance to this museum. Ellie Wiesel, himself a survivor of the holocaust, wrote that line as the credo of this institution. The line means that we all in the failure of our inaction, must stand witness to the horrors committed. The sheer vastness of the information and the sheer cruelty of the violence documented there force you to close your mind lest you go blind with pain and to open your mind, lest you feel it is all some fictional horror story.

At the beginning of this museum, they offer you to pick up an identification card belonging to one of the victims killed in the holocaust. This person on the identity card is your first and most shocking introduction to what is coming as you walk through the dark walkways of the museum. The card that I picked up was of Henoch Kornfeld. This child was born in the year when Hitler invaded Poland. When he was a 3 year old boy, he and his mother and father were taken by the Germans to a concentration camp. At the age of 3, this little boy was mercilessly gassed and put to death.

What goes through your mind when you read that identity card? Do you read it as a chip of the past? Or may be a little sad story? Do you treat it simply as a statistic? Or do you actually feel that little boy inside your mind, see the world through his eyes, hear his small pitiful cries for mercy and feel the world go dark slowly through hunger, torture and the smell of death in the concentration camp till your last vision of this cruel world is of your mum and dad dying besides you in that hell-hole of a gas chamber?

My three hour walk through that museum began with this shocking vision that hung in my mind.

The museum takes u through the entire decades of 1930ā€™s and then 1940ā€™s in a very riveting fashion. The displays, videos, audio clips, factual stories, artifacts, newspaper clippings, speeches, real life concentration camp relics, torture equipments usedā€¦ all these bring that time and those horrible sufferings so shockingly close to you that you can almost hear the echoes of a failed humanity.

The Europe of 1933 was certainly a hell. In the museum, I watched two videos in the mini-theater which give the visitor a pre-amble to how things began before the holocaust. The Great Depression of the western economy in 1929 reduced huge chunks of the German population into beggars. The treaty of Versailles after World War I had already broken their back, and this depression ruined them further. At such times of ruin, Adolf Hitler began his propaganda of how he can bring Germany its old glory if his Nazi party was to form the Third Reich. Though initially ignored by the majority of the population, Hitler had gathered enough support by 1933 to stand for and win the election as the Chancellor of Germany.

With his rise to power began the ā€œhellificationā€ of Germany. With each passing year, Germany crossed landmarks that took it into such depths as no country has ever witnessed. The museum has sections dedicated to how the life in Germany changed from 1934 to 1945. The pictures, posters, written and published documents accumulated over decades tell a story the likes of which have never been told in the long annals of mankindā€™s existence. Not because no other period has been as well documented, but because no other period qualifies to be called the absolute debasement of the collective human consciousness.

Hitler began his systematic annihilation of the Jews and Roma (gypsy) of Germany in 1934. First, he declared Jews and Roma as not being citizens of Germany. They had to carry special identification declaring them to be Jews. After banning them from doing any kind of business, Hitler declared his ā€œFinal Solutionā€ to the ā€œProblem of the Jewsā€ in the country. He decided to segregate them into special camps so as to no pollute the society with their presence. He declared the Jews to be a curse, an abomination on the German society. He proclaimed that the only way to ensure Germany finds success is to remove Jews from its society.

After reading these things in the museum displays, I took a step back. For the last two thousand years, one thread of continuum is racial persecution of the Jews. Surrounded by a sea of blood-thirsty hatred, the Jews have now formed a state of Israel. But throughout the last two millennia, Jews have been hated and persecuted by Christians and Muslims alike. Every major power in Eurasia has some time in the past either condoned or actively participated in anti-Semitism. Russians, Nazis, Muslims, Arabs have all butchered the Jews. What was their crime? What was such enormity of the offense that Jews committed which made everybody else their enemies?

In one word: Nothing. There is no rational or justifiable crime committed by being a Jew. Their religion does not teach anything bad. They condemn violence just like us; they proclaim the ā€œone-Godā€ notion of the Almighty and they claim to be the righteous path to God just like every other religion in the world. Thatā€™s the truth. The only two crimes they committed were that they never had a country of their own (till Israel was formed) and that they were much more successful in business, education and industry than any other people of any other race in any European country. They were the banks of Europe and you would be surprised to know that prior to 1933, 11 out of Germanyā€™s 37 Nobel Prize winners were Jewish! (Albert Einstein was a Jew in case you missed that part of history)

All these contributions to the society notwithstanding, Hitler began racial persecution against the Jews. As I walked through a section that portrays the concentration camps, I saw a train compartment on rails placed in the center of that room. This was an actual real train compartment from one of the trains that Germans used to transport the Jews into the concentration camps. Entire villages, towns and cities were emptied of Jews who were dumped into these trains. The compartment I saw there was about half the size of our normal metro train compartment. The plaque below it stated that the Germans filled these compartments with over 200 Jews at a time. These were really very poorly built compartments, with wooden planks for walls with gaps in them for windows. During winter, when they transported the Jews, many of them died simply of exposure to biting cold. They purposely moved these trains very slowly. The 200 souls locked in these compartments were not given food or water or even an outlet for human waste. For 4-6 weeks, they were kept moving at slow pace in these filthy conditions. When the doors opened, about half of them were dead due to cold, disease or just plain hunger. The remaining people were then exposed to the full horrors of the concentration camp.

If this description wasnā€™t enough, the actual concentration camp was unbearable. Without food or water, the Jews were made to do enormous manual labor. Day after day, for years on end, they were exposed to this first torture technique: death by sheer exhaustion. Those who survived this were led into various other torture methods. Killing for medical experiments, chopping off limbs to kill by pain, gas chambers, firing squad, hanging, forceful drowningā€¦ I could not believe what my eyes were seeing in that museum.

Within a period of 6 years, the Nazis killed 6 million Jews in this fashion. In the most efficient decimation campaigns in the history of mankind, the Germans killed 1 million Jews per year. And the world watched. Watched and did nothing.

It was only and only when Hitler attacked France that the other European powers woke up to take action. The cries of 6 million people were not enough to wake up these so called Super Powers. It is to this atrophy of human action that we must now bear witness.

As I walked out of the museums doors into the evening mellow sunshine of Washington, D.C., I could not shake off thoughts of those people. Those people who made that journey in those trains and then suffered endless torture from fellow humans. Many times, we all complain and grumble about some things not going well in our lives. But just think about those people. Imagine how low and how basic their wants were. Their demands had gone down to so fundamental a level, that we cannot even imagine it. They were actually crying for a gulp of water or a morsel of food or just plain death so that they may escape from the endless torture.

It has been decades since then. But one thing is for sure. The West lost any moral ascendancy that it claimed over the world.

ā€œEven passivity was a form of resistance. To die with dignity was a form of resistance. To resist the demoralizing, brutalizing force of evil, to refuse to be reduced to the level of animals, to live through the torment, to outlive the tormentors, these too were acts of resistance. Merely to give a witness of these events in testimony was, in the end, a contribution to victory. Simply to survive was a victory of the human spirit.ā€

ā€“ Martin Gilbert, The Holocaust: The Jewish Tragedy

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Friends

Main akela hi chala tha janib-e-manzil magarā€¦
Log milte gaye, aur karwaan banta gayaā€¦

Sitting alone sipping chai in a remote corner of the world on a Saturday afternoon, these words from an old shayari come to my mind out of nowhere, and it begins. Itā€™s been a long time since I wrote anything, and words and thoughts rush out like pent up roaring water from the opened flood-gates. It has been so long since I wrote that I myself had started believing that the words had all dried up inside me. But today, half formed thoughts are seeking completion outside rather than within my mind.

Loosely translated, the lines from the shayari mean: I started out alone towards my destination, but people kept joining me along the way and formed a multitude. But what happens to the karwaan when the companions leave it to strike out different paths? Today, that is a question bothering my mind.

I donā€™t remember the first friend I ever made. It must surely have been in mini kindergarten. During one of those utterly simple yet engaging kindergarten activities, I must have had my first touch with friendship. Till then life had contained only family and relatives: my mom, dad, sister, my favorite aunt and my old uncle who gave me a 5-Star chocolate every time he came to visit. Ever since those days, friends became a very, very important part of my life. Even today, when my family sits around sipping nice evening chai and the talks turn to my sisterā€™s and my childhood days, my mom always tells me that I was one of those very few kids who did not cry on their first day in school. When all the kids were holding on to their moms and crying or making sad faces, I was one the few who was enthralled by the idea of being with so many people of my age ā€“ my first friends!

Through ten years of schooling, this remained my characteristic trait. I was happiest when I was amongst my friends. It was a world I had created on my own. I had forged the friendships myself, and I held them dearest to my heart. I still remember my school ā€˜send-offā€™ function and how I had felt broken asunder to see all my friends go their separate ways. To be frank, I was never one of those who are equally close with all their friends. For me, it always had to be a close-knit group of friends with whom I could relate and just be myself. Even now, as memories fade with time, the ones that stand out glitteringly are those of the times spent with my close group of friends.

As I moved on to junior college, I entered a new world. This was a world at once known yet unrecognizable to me. It was a known world because many of my school friends were with me in college. Yet it was totally new because the same friends were now no longer interested in just hanging out and spending time with each other in silly pursuits, but were more interested in partying, clubbing, ā€˜motor-bikingā€™, and going to movies and expensive restaurants. Gone was the camaraderie we once shared. Just a single batata-vada shared three ways was once enough to make it a ā€œhappy eveningā€ ā€“ not that I minded having the freedom to spend more on food once I went to college, but what I had most enjoyed during those shared vadas was not the food, but the amazing sense of companionship that we shared which was more tasty than the food itself. And in spite of all the money my friends spent in junior college, the main ingredient for me was, sadly missing.

As is the habit of most things fluid, time changed. Luckily for me, my undergraduate college was a much, much happier place for me. I met and befriended many people who were in the same space and plane as me. After yearning for two years in junior college, finally, I was once again part of a group where I could revel in just being myself! Sharing missal in the college canteen three ways was once again a part of my day. The happiest moment of the day was when I met the whole gang at Matunga railway station in the morning knowing that we would have loads of fun that day. I remember those days dearly, because when I used to wake up each morning, for four consecutive years, I had an instant smile on my lips ā€“ a smile which was testimony to the fact that my friends had made my day worth living and looking forward to. Even the thought of waking up early to catch the 7:44 am Borivali fast wouldnā€™t dampen my spirit! I never feared any exams, assignment/project deadlines because an unquantifiable sense of limitless ability filled me each day in college ā€“ a sense borne out of being part of such a wonderful fellowship.


What happened next came so suddenly (to me at that time, though I always knew it would happen) that though I had seen it coming, I was not expecting it to change things so drastically. One cloudy day in June, we submitted our project report and my undergraduate college was over. Just like that, all bonds of close companionship snapped. Before it had sunk in, I was on a plane to the USA ā€“ thousands of miles from anyone I knew.


I remember that night when I boarded the flight. There was the apprehension of uncertainty, but the emotion that painted that night in my memories was the grief at going away from my friends - going so far away that I wouldnā€™t even be able to call them when I wished to. And the one question gnawing my mind was ā€“ will I find such friends again?


Life had some good things in store for me though. Not only did I find friends just like I wished to, I found a second home in a foreign land. My roommates in the US were a very special lot. For one and half years, we all lived, studied, ate and played together. Once again, the measure of friendship ā€“ the happiness obtained from a shared pizza was met. With meager earnings, we did not have the wherewithal to go partying and clubbing, but we had each other ā€“ and that was enough. We were brothers.


I should have known it then. I should have known that it was all just too good to last. The unseen Hand once again uprooted all of us, and flung us so far apart that meeting or sometimes even chatting on the phone was out of question. I moved into a one bed apartment in Virginia.


I reflect upon the past one and half years since I started living alone. I met many people since then. I made acquaintances. I made contacts. But I never really made friends again. The people I met ā€“ whether in office or otherwise ā€“ were more interested in doing specific things they wanted to do, rather than being with each other and not caring what to do. In school or in undergraduate college, when we friends used to meet, we were happier by the thought of just being with each other. We never pondered much about what exactly we were going to do after meeting up. I still remember the day when we all from college were going to Lonavla for a trip. We were going to leave the next day early morning, and the earlier evening, I went from Dadar ā€“ where I lived - (the place from where the train was going to start the next day morning) to Nerul ā€“ where my best friend lived just to spend the night at his place ā€“ not caring that it was completely illogical, not caring that it was all too troublesome to go the next day from Nerul to Thane to catch the train when I could have taken the train with great ease from Dadar itself.


Contrast it with this: I and a couple of my office colleagues in Virginia decided to go for the new movie in the evening. The theater is equidistant from my house and my colleagueā€™s house. I call him up, and invite him over to my place to spend the afternoon (I tell him we can have lunch together or maybe just hang out at my place till the time of the movie show). I request him a few times, and he says ā€“ I need to wash my dishes and may be arrange a few things in my house. Plus it would be weird to come to your house and then go to the movie, why donā€™t we just meet at the theater?


We have invented many ways to apparently keep in touch with each other. The website orkut is one such thing. Each time when I login to this website, I see many of my old friends there. I wonder where they are, and what they are doing. Do they still think about our days together as friends? Are they too, like me, surrounded by people but alone in a sea of unknown faces? I decide to message them, and then I hold back. Do they feel the loss that I feel? May be not. Sometimes, I do message them and many times, I donā€™t hear back. Today as I login to orkut, I hope to see messages from my friends, but I wouldnā€™t be surprised if there arenā€™t any. The time when I used to be surprised is long gone.


Many things have changed since I was among friends. I used to once wonder why my parents lost touch with all their school and college friends. I donā€™t wonder anymore.


Eric Carmenā€™s song comes to my mind today:

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And makin love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Livin alone
I think of all the friends Iā€™ve known
But when I dial the telephone
Nobodyā€™s home

All by myself
Dont wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Dont wanna live
All by myself anymore


Recently in a book, I read an afghan phrase: zendagi migzaara, life goes on. It very aptly defines the underlying current of our existence. A thought creeps hesitantly into my mind as I write this. What are friends anyway? My guess is: friends are our own reflections. All through our childhood, we seek our own reflections. But somewhere along the way, when we look into the mirror of life, we see no reflection. I wonder whyā€¦?